If Only, If Only
by RozaHathaway17
Summary: If only, if only the woodpecker sighs, the bark on the tree was as soft as the sky. The wolf waits below, hungry and lonely, he cries to the moon, if only, if only. The actual plot is a surprise haha. Rated M for a reason. ON HOLD.
1. Chapter 1

**I have a few things to say! This is SAD and you may need some tissues. Also, I was bored so I wrote it. Fifty . Shades . Of . Excellence is my amazing beta for this story. Richelle Mead owns all the characters! Enjoy!**

**If Only, If Only**

**RPOV**

"_If only, if only the woodpecker sighs, the bark on the tree was as soft as the sky. The wolf waits below, hungry and lonely, he cries to the moon, if only, if only,_" I sing to myself as I wash the dishes. I sigh and lean against the sink in my small kitchen. I look up as I feel a tear slip down my cheek.

"You always told me that no matter what I did you would always be proud of me. But now I'm a home-wrecking whore. No one could be proud of that. I miss you so much mom," I whisper to the ceiling, praying she can hear me, "I'm sorry I'm so fucked up."

**~~~Flashback~~~**

"Mom! I made head cheerleader!" I called, walking through the front door, "Mom?" I asked after getting no answer.

"Mom! Where are you?" I yelled, getting worried. She was always home before me, "MOM!" I walked into the kitchen and fell to the floor, a high-pitched scream escaping my throat. I crawled over to my mother and checked for a pulse. A sob escaped my throat when I found her cold and unbreathing. I scrambled over to the phone and dialed nine-one-one.

_"Nine-one-one emergency, how may I help you?" _a way too perky voice chirped.

"I-I just got home from school and my mo-mother is on the kitchen floor. She-she isn't breathing and she fe-feels cold," I whispered into the receiver.

_"I'll send a squad right away. Address please?"_ a now somber voice asked. I gave her the address and watched, numb, as two men carried my mother away in a body bag. I leaned back against the counter and hummed If Only to myself.

**~~~Present Time~~~**

I snap out of my flashback as my phone rings. I realize the ringtone immediately. It's _him._ I let out a deep breath and hit send on my phone, holding it shakily to my ear and wiping my eyes.

"Dimitri," I breathe. I feel a small smile settle on my lips even though I know it's wrong.

_"Hello, Roza,"_ I can practically hear the smile in his voice, _"Tasha is going on an overnight business trip. Can I come over?"_ I feel my heart expand with joy, even though I shouldn't. My brain screams at me to turn him down and tell him to stop calling but my heart says keep him as long as I can.

"Of course you can," I tell him, going with my heart rather than my brain, as usual.

_"I'll be there in an hour. I have a few more things to do at work before I can leave," _he responds and I smile stupidly to myself. I finish up the dishes and think about my past with him.

**~~~Flashback~~~**

I leaned against the bar and downed my whiskey. I felt a presence next to me and turned to see the most gorgeous man in the world sitting next to me. He flashed me a breathtaking smile, gesturing to the bartender. He set a drink down in front of each of us. I moved closer to him so he could hear me over the loud music.

"My name's Rose!" I shouted, close to his ear. He smiled at me again and kissed my hand.

"Dimitri!" he responded, "This place is really crowed, what do you say we go somewhere quiet to talk?" Lissa always warned me about the dangers of going places with strangers but I felt a strange connection and trust towards this man, so I agreed. He took my hand and led me to his car. We ended up at a high-class hotel, sipping wine by a fire.

"Tell me, Rose, what a beautiful young girl like you was doing in a club, all by herself," he said after a while. I frowned and looked at my feet.

"My mother died, two years ago, on this day," I explained softly, "I guess I was drowning my sorrows." I looked up to see sympathy in his eyes, which would normally bother me, but it looked so sincere. He reached for my small hand, squeezing it tightly in his own.

"I'm so sorry to hear that," he whispers, "I know what it's like to lose your mother. Mine passed away about six years ago. It does get easier."

"What were you doing in a club all alone, Dimitri?" I asked, genuinely curious. He sighed.

"I know as soon as I tell you, you'll want to leave," he responded, "I was there to get away from my wife." I felt my heart drop.

"You're married?" I squeaked. He nodded sadly.

"I was forced into marry a woman I don't love. I wish I would have refused but with so many people saying how perfect we were, I just gave in. It's my biggest regret in life. Tonight, when I saw you, I knew you were something special. You were the woman I should have waited for." I stared at him for a moment, contemplating his sincerity. I stood, placing my glass on the small table in the room. He started to stand as well, but I shoved him back into his chair, sitting in his lap. I kissed him and he kissed me back. I wound my hands in his silky, shoulder length hair and he wrapped his arms securely around my waist.

"Take me," I whispered against his lips. He gripped the hair at the nape of my neck, deepening the kiss before standing up and carrying me to the bed. He dropped me gently onto the plush mattress and undid his tie, throwing it across the room. Kicking his shoes off, he climbed onto the bed, straddling me and kissing my neck. I slowly started to unbutton his shirt. Once I got the last button undone, I flung it off and onto the floor somewhere. Dimitri slipped my shoes off and dropped them on the floor, pushing my dress up with his free hand. I closed my eyes and was thrilled that I wore my sexiest bra and panty set this morning.

"You are so beautiful," he growled, passion lighting his eyes. I shivered under his gaze as he pulled my dress roughly over my head. He stared down at me with lust written all over his face. My blood red bra and underwear made my body look even better than usual and I know Dimitri loved what he saw. I reached for the button of his pants and popped it open, sliding the zipper down immediately after. I pushed his pants down, taking his boxers with them. My eyes widened as his gorgeous cock sprang free. I saw him smirk as he kicked off his pants and boxers. He took his member in his hand and stroked it a couple times before climbing over my body and pressing his firm, hard abs against my flat stomach.

I growled softly as I felt his dick rub against my clothed pussy. He smirked down at me, slipping his hands underneath me to unclasp my bra. He tossed it somewhere else to be forgotten for the moment. He took one breast in his hand and circled the other with his tongue. I gasped as he grazed my hard peak with his teeth before trading off and nipping the other one. His hands slid down my body and slid my panties off. He followed his hands, kissing, biting, licking and sucking his way down to where I wanted him most. I spread my legs wide for him and he settled between them, placing a kiss on my throbbing sex. I moaned deep in my throat as I felt his long finger stroke my slit. I sighed softly as he shoved two fingers into my opening. He pushed another in before beginning to thrust them in and out of me harshly. He mouth closed around my clit and he sucked and bit softly. After a few more thrusts of his marvelous fingers, I came on his hand, panting and screaming his name.

"Dimitri," I whimpered, "You are amazing. Now let me return the favor." I sat up and pushed him to lie on his back. He shook his head and pushed me back onto the bed.

"There's plenty of time for that later," he rasped out, "I want to be in you." He started to look for a condom but I grabbed his wrist.

"I'm on birth control," I told him. He grinned and used his knees to spread my legs open wide. He thrust into me harshly and I screamed out in surprise and pleasure.

**~~~Present Time~~~**

I shake my head and check the clock. I am so glad I decided to shower and shave this morning since I only have about ten minutes until Dimitri will be here. I walk quickly to my room and throw my clothes in the hamper, trading them for a sexy sheer black lace bra and thong and a short, tight, black dress. I slip a pair of blood red heels on just as a knock sound on my door. I open it to reveal a slightly disheveled Dimitri. He pushes me into my apartment, slamming the door and pressing my back against it. He kisses me passionately.

"You look so fucking sexy," he growls in my ear, making me shiver. I kiss his ear and push him away gently.

"You look stressed," I state, studying him, "Wine?" He grins at me and nods. I go into the kitchen and get two glasses of red wine, taking them to the living room, where I assumed Dimitri would wait for me.

"Dimitri!" I call, when I don't find him on the couch.

"Bedroom!" he responds. I smile to myself and walk into my room, nearly dropping the wine glasses as I see him lying there in all his naked godly glory.

"Dimitri," I whisper. He smile and holds his arms out to me. I walk over, kicking my shoes off and setting down the glasses. I kneel on the bed and have Dimitri lie on his stomach. I straddle his back and start rubbing his shoulders. He looks up at me.

"Not that this doesn't feel amazing but what exactly are you doing?" he asks, humor dancing in his eyes.

"Helping," I mutter, leaning down and trailing kisses on the back of his neck and shoulders. He chuckles and grabs my hands, rolling me onto my back. He hovers above me and strips me quickly of my clothes.

"Roza, you are the devil," he murmurs against my neck. I laugh. He tells me all the time that I'm too perfect to be made by God, only the devil can make beauty as great as mine. He kisses along my jaw and tugs on my bottom lip with his teeth. I sigh and nip at his lip in return. Our mouths meet in a hungry kiss. As we fight for dominance, I grab a hold of his erect manhood. He groans against my mouth as I begin to stroke him.

"Dimitri, I need you," I whisper and he thrusts into me. I moan at the contact and dig my nails into his back. He reaches down and places my knees on his shoulders. I gasp at how much deeper his dick goes. We begin to move against each other and the sounds of our moans and groans fill my apartment.

"Open your eyes," he whispers to me and I do. We stare into each others' eyes as we make love. I feel a tear slip out of the corner of my eye but don't let him see. We cum together, screaming each others' names. Dimitri collapses onto the mattress and tries to pull me into his arms but I quickly move away from him, sitting on the edge of my bed, eyes shut tight. I feel tears well and wish them away, but they fall instead. Dimitri sits behind me and tries to hold me but I jerk away.

"Roza, what is it?" he asks quietly. I look at him and more tears fall.

"You don't feel the same way about me as I do about you," I mutter brokenly.

"What are you talking about?"

"I. Love. You. Dimitri. I fucking love you with all my heart and you don't give a shit about me!" I scream, "You act like we're together but you always leave me for her!"

"I never claimed that I don't love you!" he yells back at me, "I just can't be in a relationship and you know exactly why!"

"Why won't you just leave her if you don't love her?" I cry.

"I come from a family that doesn't believe in divorce," he states, "Where is this coming from? I thought we understood each other."

"No, it's obvious that neither one of us knows what the hell the other wants," I say coldly, "Now, get the fuck out of my apartment and never call me again. I don't- I can't do this anymore."

"Roza, I love you," he whispers sadly.

"I can't do this," I mumble, "Please, just leave." He gives me sad, sad eyes and then stands and gathers his clothes. He tries to kiss me good-bye but I push him away. He leaves and I hear the lock click, which tells me I don't need to lock the door. I look over to my night stand and see the two glasses of wine sitting there, untouched. I pick one up and throw it into the wall, screaming. I throw the other one two and collapse in a heap on my bed. I burrow into the blankets and cry myself to sleep, humming If Only.

**~~~If Only~~~**

_ If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs, the bark on the tree was as soft as the sky. The wolf waits below, hungry and lonely, he cries to the moon, if only, if only. If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs, the bark on the tree was as soft as the sky. The wolf waits below, hungry and lonely, he cries to the moon, if only, if only. _

_ "Mommy?" I call, hearing her voice, singing to me once again. I run towards the sound of her voice. When I see her, I burst into uncontrollable sobs._

_ "Mommy, you're an angel," I whisper. She holds me and wipes my tears away._

_ "Shhh, my child, don't cry," she whispers back, rocking me._

_ "You look so beautiful in white," I mutter._

_ "We both know that's not why I'm here," she smoothes my hair back, tucking a loose strand behind my ear._

_ "I'm such a horrible person," I tell her, burying my head in my mom's chest._

_ "No, you're a woman in love," she tells me, "Now, I have seen everything that's happened in this past year and I guarantee he loves you as much as you love him."_

_ "But he's married," I cry._

_ "He needs time to realize what's best for him. It may take too long and maybe you will move on but he will be the only one missing out. I hope that he sees soon that you two are meant to be and leaves his wife. You're my baby and I want you to be happy," she explains to me._

_ "I miss you, mommy," I murmur against her shoulder._

_ "Don't miss me, baby, I'm with you every day, even though you can't see me," she says, wiping away a few stray tears. She starts to fade away._

_ "Mom! What's happening?" I ask, panicked._

_ "You're waking up my dear. I will be seeing you," she says and then she's gone and I'm alone in my bed again._

I slam my hand onto my alarm clock and get up, dressing for work. I leave my apartment, feeling hollow. I walk the New York City streets blindly until I hear a horn blaring. I look to see a car heading straight towards me. Before I even get a chance to scream, I am knocked off my feet and onto the sidewalk. A man helps me stand up but his features don't register.

"Rose? Rose!" he says, waving a hand in front of my face.

"Mase?" I ask, squinting.

"What the hell? You could have just died! What's gotten into you?" he demands.

"I don't-I don't remember even waking up this morning," I say, confused. He wraps an arm around my waist and takes me home.

"I'm going to call your boss. You should stay home and rest today. Want me to call Lissa and see if she can take off and look after you?"

"One, I do _not_ need a fucking babysitter and two, if you call Lissa, I will gut you like a fish," I snap at my friend.

"There's the Rose I know and love," he says and kisses my forehead, "I have work." I wave goodbye and turn on the TV to drown out my thoughts.

**~~~DPOV~~~**

"Dimka!" Tasha exclaims annoyingly, wrapping her arms around me. I push her away.

"What?" I ask, a little too harshly. She doesn't even notice, since she's so wrapped up in herself.

"We should try to get pregnant!" she squeals and I wince. When I picture having children, they have soft, brown eyes, not, ice blue ones. I sigh and push her away again as she tries to sit in my lap.

"I want a divorce," I tell her. She stares at me shocked.

"What did you just say?" she asks through gritted teeth.

"I have never in my life loved you, Natasha. I am in love with someone else and I'm leaving you."

**~~~RPOV Two Months Later~~~**

I lock the doors to the diner and sigh. I hate the night shift. I start to walk home at a brisk pace, knowing NYC is not a good place to be walking alone at night. I feel like someone is following me. I step up my pace a little bit and swear under my breath when I realize I'm in a very empty part on town. I feel the person get closer and a hand closes around my wrist. I start to scream but another hand clasps over my mouth. I start kicking until I smell the tell-tale after shave of Dimitri. I relax in his arms and he releases me. I turn to face him.

"Why? Why are you coming back around now? Did you sense that I was on the brink of forgetting you and just decide, hey, I should stir some more trouble up for-" I'm cut off by his lips on mine. I gasp and slap him. He rubs his cheek.

"Okay, I probably deserved that," he whispers into the night. I feel tears threaten the corners of my eyes.

"What do you want?" I ask, my voice broken.

"You! It's always been you! I left her, Roza. I filed for divorce two months ago, the day after I last saw you and it was finalized this morning. Please, give me a chance to be your boyfriend and to love you like you deserve to be loved. You're an angel and should be treated as such," he pleads. I study him for a few moments and fling myself into his arms, sobbing. I grab his face in my hands.

"I love you so much, Dimitri," I whisper, crashing my lips to his. He pulls away and looks into my eyes.

"I love you more than the world," he tells me and takes me home, to his place for once. His loft is like a mansion compared to my little apartment. We cuddle on the couch with mugs of hot chocolate and I fall asleep in his arms.

_If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs, the bark on the tree was as soft as the sky. The wolf waits below, hungry and lonely, he cries to the moon, if only, if only._

**Review please :) I am proud as hell of this story.**


	2. Continue?

**If you guys want me to continue this story, drop a review and I will be happy to. I already have some people that want me to so I most likely will.**

**~ RozaHathaway17**


	3. Chapter 2

**My awesome beta is Fifty . Shades . of . Excellence . (no spaces, but fanfic doesn't let me put her name in right). And yes, I am continuing because the response to this story blew me completely away. I love you guys and thank you so much. Richelle Mead owns VA.**

**Chapter 2**

**DPOV**

I stand in front of the mirror of my dressing room and tighten my tie. _Why am I doing this again?_ Oh, that's right. I have no choice. Natasha Ozera is a sweet woman, but I don't love her. Never have, but maybe, in time, I will. Though, I doubt it. I feel like there is something better out there for me. Someone better. Don't get me wrong, Tasha is beautiful, strong, brave and kind, but she's too different from me. It won't work. It never has and never will.

"Dimitri!" I hear a woman's voice call from outside my door and smile slightly.

"Yes, mama?" I call back. She comes into my dressing room and hugs me. I kiss her forehead.

"My boy," she sighs, "You don't have to go through with this. I know it's not what you want. You look very handsome though."

"Thank you, mama," I tell her, sadly, "But you know I don't have a choice in this."

"It is not her father's decision, it is yours," she snaps. I bend down and hug my mother once again.

"I'm sorry, mama," I whisper, "I have to do this." She kisses my cheek.

"You're a good boy, Dimka," she says, and leaves my room. I take one last look in the mirror and run a hand through my hair. My hair that, just yesterday, was about ten inches longer but is now very short and spiked up. I hate that I had to cut my hair.

**RPOV – Same day**

I take a deep breath and run out of the locker room in my uniform for head cheerleader try-outs. I go over to Lissa immediately and hug her. She hugs me back and giggles.

"It's your day, Rosie," she tells me.

"If not mine, then yours," I say back, giddily. She shakes her head.

"No, it has to be yours," she demands, "I'm not head cheerleader material." I shake my head back.

"You so are!" I exclaim. Our coach walks in and immediately shouts out some orders. The try-outs are a blur and I sit with Lissa on the bleachers, waiting impatiently for the new caption to be announced.

"Alright, ladies, I have come to a decision," Alberta, our coach, tells us, standing in the center of the gym, "Rose Hathaway is your new caption! If anything happens and Rose needs to step down, Lissa is next in line." I jump up and hug Lissa. The rest of the squad comes over and congratulates me. I hug all of my friends then we all get ready to go home.

"Mom! I made head cheerleader!" I call, walking through the front door, "Mom?" I ask after getting no answer.

"Mom! Where are you?" I yell, getting worried. She was always home before me, "MOM!" I walk into the kitchen and fall to the floor, a high-pitched scream escaping my throat. I crawl over to my mother and check for a pulse. A sob escapes my throat when I find her cold and unbreathing. I scramble over to the phone and dial nine-one-one.

_"Nine-one-one emergency, how may I help you?"_a way too perky voice chirps.

"I-I just got home from school and my mo-mother is on the kitchen floor. She-she isn't breathing and she fe-feels cold," I whisper into the receiver.

_"I'll send a squad right away. Address please?"_ a now somber voice asks. I give her the address and watch, numb, as two men carried my mother away in a body bag. I lean back against the counter and hum If Only to myself. I feel someone kneel beside me and then am enveloped in my best friend's arms.

**DPOV**

I watch Tasha walk down the aisle. She looks beautiful, but I feel nothing. I can tell my face is blank and try to force a smile. Tasha reaches me with her father, who gives me a hard glare. I take Tasha's hand and turn towards the priest.

**RPOV**

"What am I going to do?" I sob, "She was all I had!"

"My parents said they want to adopt you," Lissa whispers, rubbing gentle circles on my hand. I shake my head.

"I'm not a fucking charity case!" I snap. I see hurt flash in her bright green eyes and hug her, "I'm sorry, Liss. I'm just upset."

"I know, Rose. I know," she whispers, rubbing my back.

**Two weeks later**

"Your resume is very impressive, Miss Hathaway," the man interviewing me says. I smile weakly at him.

"Thank you, sir," I state, "I have been designing and taking classes since I was about seven years old. That was ten years ago."

"If you don't mind me asking, why did you decide to get your GED and get a job instead of finishing high school?" I take a sharp breath and squeeze my eyes shut.

"My mother," I begin, voice breaking slightly, "She passed away two weeks ago and my father hasn't been in the picture for a very long time. I have no other family to speak of that could take me in, so I have to support myself someway." Mister Evans stands and offers me his hand.

"Welcome to the Montana branch of Ralph Lauren, Miss Hathaway," he says as I shake his hand, "You've got the job. Unfortunately, I can only start you out as a secretary, but with your sketches, I have no doubt you will move up in the company, very quickly."

"Thank you so much, Mister Evans!" I breathe happily, "You won't regret it!"

"I know. You start Monday," he tells me, "Have a nice weekend because you will be working hard from this point on."

"Of course," I tell him, "Have a great weekend." I leave the office with a smile on my face and text Lissa.

_I'm in. ~ R 3_

**DPOV**

"Dimka!" Tasha calls, "Don't you want to come to bed?" She leans against the doorframe in a very skimpy nightgown. I look towards her and force a smile.

"I'll be right in," I tell her, faking happiness, as I have been doing for the two weeks. Honeymoons are supposed to be fun and loving, not stressful. I squeeze my eyes shut and text my best friend, Ivan.

_What the fuck have I gotten myself into? ~ D_

__**Review please :)**


	4. AN

**I love you, each and everyone of you. And I am so, so sorry. I am putting this story and all of my other Vampire Academy stories on hold until after I finish some of my others. However, I have two VA crossovers that DO NOT fall into this category, that I will not be putting on hold. So, you can get you're VA fixes from my Pretty Little Liars crossover, Pretty Girls, Dirty Secrets and my Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossover, Two Girls, One World. If any author wants to right a chapter for the story, send it to me and see if I like it, you can. I would beta it, give you FULL credit and thank you a bunch of times. It's just a suggestion. Noone has to. It can wait.**

Sorry and I love you again.

~ RozaHathaway17

(P.S. I may be changing my penname soon. I don't know yet.)


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